i adore bullet points. for some reason unknown to me, this blog deal does not feature bullet points. this must change. thus, i will settle for the @ sign.
@ i truly am in love with andrew bird. if you don't know his music and actually hang out with me, let me know IMMEDIATELY and i will remedy the situation. sigh...
@ i really hate insomnia. it's 2AM and i am not tired at all. i went to bed at 3AM last night and 6AM the night before. no, my life is not that exciting that i was out and about in this oh so fantastic city, doing oh so fantastic things, i was mostly at home, in my still messy apartment, working, dancing around and listening to the beatles.
@ trader joe's sells these completely amazing and delicious dark chocolate covered macadamia nuts. i go through a little container of them every 3 weeks or so. (they are quite sweet). please go try them.
@ i have rapid cycling feelings about my job. i'll be on a kick to leave and then something fabulous will happen and i'll decide to stay and then something annoying happens and i want to leave. this has been going on for three years.
@ i am currently in a "fight" with someone i trust completely and have a very unique and great relationship with. wait, fight isn't the right word. it's very complicated and i'm not sure if things will ever go back to normal, which is very sad, because our relationship is wonderfully complicated and blessed and fun.
@ why is adulthood is at once so amazing and so terribly hard?
@ why are men so time consuming? (mentally, i mean)
@ i'm not in the mood to go to french class tonight.
@ i had a very interesting conversation with one of my very best friends tonight. we talked about feeling distant from life. about not feeling "alive". my sister said something funny a couple weeks ago: she turned to me and said, excitedly, "can you believe that we're alive; that we're human beings?" she is graceful and faithful and lovely, my sister. i wish i had the same wonder and excitement about life more often.
@ i want to take a cross-country train trip. a new friend recommended this to me the other day. he spent a couple months as a tramp and hobo, which sounds weird, but really just means he hitch-hiked and jumped on trains, which i think is wild and amazing. i have always wanted to do something similar, but just doesn't seem to be an adventure that would work for women. i do really like trains.
@ i recently read "into the wild", the book by the dude who wrote "into thin air". both are very good, very well written. the author writes about a need to be in the wilderness. my new friend (mentioned in last "bullet") said that tramping/train hopping requires one to become wild and learn how one is wild, in mind, body and soul. i thought that was very interesting. i was thinking the other day that maybe it isn't just about being "wild" or "wildness" that is required, but rather a "wilderness" in the soul. in that case, there is realization of a mystic, adventurous, challenging, sorrowful part of human nature. i also think that when one is accepting of his/her own "wilderness", there must also be a true, born and breed, intimate relationship with loneliness. wilderness is a lonely idea and, i think, accepting of alone-ness and loneliness. i'm not saying i fit into this category, but it's very interesting overall.
@ i really wish i could fall asleep.
@ ohh! a yawn!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
on faith, love and growing up
first: best website ever. http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/011107/meaning-of-this.gif genius!
ponderings:
1. If 2007 is going down in the books as the hardest year of my life (see post "one"), then October is going down as the month of restoration. Sigh. Life is so fun. And good. And blessed. And overall, a kick in the pants.
2. Even though this month of restoration literally started at midnight on the first, this weekend was a beautiful expression of what I think the rest of this year could be for me.
3. I spent the weekend at Our Lady of the Rock, a monastery run by seven nuns on Shaw Island, in the San Juans. It was lovely and grace-filled. They raise llamas, sheep and cows and allow visitors to come, work on the farm for a day, weekend, week, etc. and will feed and house them in return. They serve raw milk (cows most definitely know what they are doing!) and veggies and meat from the farm. It was an amazing experience.
4. I really hate having a desk job. Human beings were not meant to spend their days sitting at a desk in front of a computer. I read something this morning about the importance of feeling tired at the end of the day. Not just mind-tired but body-tired. Somewhere along the line, when we buckled down to corporate consumerism, we forgot about that part of being human. And it's a shame. Actually, yes, that's exactly what it is--we should be ashamed that we have let ourselves become so lazy. Good grief.
5. All of my really great, poignant thoughts come to me while I'm in the bath.
6. I was thinking this morning that life is really hard. Adulthood is really hard. Mer said to me the other day that as kids we just want to grow up and that really, if we had any idea how hard adulthood is, we would never wish growing up on anyone. (I don't remember if that's exactly how she said it; maybe it's a combination of what she said and my response.)
7. So yes, life is really hard and sometimes it hurts like crazy. I was thinking this morning that I have always treated those hardships in one of two ways--I'm either stupid and prideful and so focused on my own dependence on myself (and the fact that I don't always think that I deserve to depend on anyone else) that I completely forget about faith and God and grace. In this case, I always end up lonely and sad and miserable. OR--and this is the sole reason why life is so amazingly awesome: I allow myself to be accepting of grace. And I allow God to give it me (because that's really just what He wants to do, for us all). And in those cases, life is so amazing, because we see that yes, it's hard and hurts, but it's ours, given to us with grace and peace and love by the Father. And in those times, He holds us high atop His shoulders and we get through it and He takes us on glorious ride through life and Heaven.
8. Sigh...
9. Sometimes, I'm so ready for heaven that I pray... okay, God you can take me now.
10. This is not one of those times. I am happier to be alive right now than I have been in months, maybe years. And life couldn't be sweeter.
ponderings:
1. If 2007 is going down in the books as the hardest year of my life (see post "one"), then October is going down as the month of restoration. Sigh. Life is so fun. And good. And blessed. And overall, a kick in the pants.
2. Even though this month of restoration literally started at midnight on the first, this weekend was a beautiful expression of what I think the rest of this year could be for me.
3. I spent the weekend at Our Lady of the Rock, a monastery run by seven nuns on Shaw Island, in the San Juans. It was lovely and grace-filled. They raise llamas, sheep and cows and allow visitors to come, work on the farm for a day, weekend, week, etc. and will feed and house them in return. They serve raw milk (cows most definitely know what they are doing!) and veggies and meat from the farm. It was an amazing experience.
4. I really hate having a desk job. Human beings were not meant to spend their days sitting at a desk in front of a computer. I read something this morning about the importance of feeling tired at the end of the day. Not just mind-tired but body-tired. Somewhere along the line, when we buckled down to corporate consumerism, we forgot about that part of being human. And it's a shame. Actually, yes, that's exactly what it is--we should be ashamed that we have let ourselves become so lazy. Good grief.
5. All of my really great, poignant thoughts come to me while I'm in the bath.
6. I was thinking this morning that life is really hard. Adulthood is really hard. Mer said to me the other day that as kids we just want to grow up and that really, if we had any idea how hard adulthood is, we would never wish growing up on anyone. (I don't remember if that's exactly how she said it; maybe it's a combination of what she said and my response.)
7. So yes, life is really hard and sometimes it hurts like crazy. I was thinking this morning that I have always treated those hardships in one of two ways--I'm either stupid and prideful and so focused on my own dependence on myself (and the fact that I don't always think that I deserve to depend on anyone else) that I completely forget about faith and God and grace. In this case, I always end up lonely and sad and miserable. OR--and this is the sole reason why life is so amazingly awesome: I allow myself to be accepting of grace. And I allow God to give it me (because that's really just what He wants to do, for us all). And in those cases, life is so amazing, because we see that yes, it's hard and hurts, but it's ours, given to us with grace and peace and love by the Father. And in those times, He holds us high atop His shoulders and we get through it and He takes us on glorious ride through life and Heaven.
8. Sigh...
9. Sometimes, I'm so ready for heaven that I pray... okay, God you can take me now.
10. This is not one of those times. I am happier to be alive right now than I have been in months, maybe years. And life couldn't be sweeter.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
dan allender
today, i received a grad program brochure with a quote from dan allender. i've read several of his books and have considered going to mars hill graduate school for a masters in counseling, which he is president of. one of his books in particular completely changed my life.
as one who is planning to return to mission work (very soon, see previous post), i have tacked this to my refrigerator: "If you don't need the Gospel more than the people you're sharing it with, you ought not to be sharing it with them." Amen!
side note: after all these years, i still spell refrigerator wrong! not good.
as one who is planning to return to mission work (very soon, see previous post), i have tacked this to my refrigerator: "If you don't need the Gospel more than the people you're sharing it with, you ought not to be sharing it with them." Amen!
side note: after all these years, i still spell refrigerator wrong! not good.
one.
oh dear Lord. many, many people will be quite surprised that i am starting a blog. the real reason for my previous (and current) distaste for blogs is that sooo many of them are used to just toot personal horns. not to, as they should, keep people in touch and further discuss the "facts of life" for individuals. recently, i've been reading blogs of friends of mine and because theirs go where my own, personal writing often goes, yet without being too personal or too tooting horn-like, i've decided to finally jump on the bandwagon. that, and i thought it would be good to get used to blogging, since i most likely won't be in the country this time next year. (i just really, really hope i don't end up sounding too pretentious.)
NB: my blog title is a line from ethan hawke's character in "reality bites" that i always found entertaining.
and away we go!
hello friends of mine. how are you? i'm currently waiting for the comcast dude to visit and install all of FOURTEEN channels on my television. YES! limited cable here i come! i will once again (after 4 months) be connected to the real world of television. yippee. and perfect timing, since the office starts on thursday. i keep thinking of an experience a friend of mine had when the comcast dude last stopped by the house she shares with her husband. very scary story. he nearly attacked her with a knife. (!!!) fortunately, my knives are terribly dull and i live in an apartment complex. hopefully someone would come to my rescue. reminder: leave door unlocked while he is here.
sigh... i really love fall. i'm currently sitting on my bed, listening to corinne bailey rae and looking at the window at lake union. i've finally forgiven seattle for the disgrace that was summer and have welcomed this city, and the next season, with open arms.
and yet, while seattle and i have been lovers for years, i still wake up every morning planning where i'll move... once i finally do move. official update alert: yes, i am applying for several grad programs (none of them in washington!), but i've also finally finished my application for the peace corps (it only took 4 years). i may not be quite granola enough to do the corps, but, it's the perfect opportunity to get in-country experience, which is required for any overseas missionary position with the organizations i want to work with. plus, i'll walk with $6000. fingers crossed that i'll get placed in africa. or, better yet, near lilongwe, malawi, so i can finally see the kids again.
regarding mission work: i've known for years (8? 10?) that i would end up in missionary work. i wanted to wait at least a couple years after malawi to work, get my head on straight and really prepare myself emotionally, spiritually, intellectually for what could be a lifetime of mission work. (at least in one way or another.) i've felt a bit like a phony over the past several months because whenever anyone would ask me if i was still planning to go back to africa i would skate over the question with bland comments and change the subject because going back was the last thing on my mind. 2007 will go down in the books as the hardest year of my life (so far) and also the most faithless. i followed my faith in cycles. it came and went in rapid cycles, hopeful that none would notice its disappearance, even though i acutely threw it out with the trash over and over again.
INCREDIBLY, the handy and hopeful thing about Christ is grace. plain and simple. and the fact that He gives it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. how blessed we are to call Him our Father and ourselves His children. and so, thanks to a whole lot of prayer and grace, i begin fall refreshed & i finally feel like myself again.
ooh... phone.
NB: my blog title is a line from ethan hawke's character in "reality bites" that i always found entertaining.
and away we go!
hello friends of mine. how are you? i'm currently waiting for the comcast dude to visit and install all of FOURTEEN channels on my television. YES! limited cable here i come! i will once again (after 4 months) be connected to the real world of television. yippee. and perfect timing, since the office starts on thursday. i keep thinking of an experience a friend of mine had when the comcast dude last stopped by the house she shares with her husband. very scary story. he nearly attacked her with a knife. (!!!) fortunately, my knives are terribly dull and i live in an apartment complex. hopefully someone would come to my rescue. reminder: leave door unlocked while he is here.
sigh... i really love fall. i'm currently sitting on my bed, listening to corinne bailey rae and looking at the window at lake union. i've finally forgiven seattle for the disgrace that was summer and have welcomed this city, and the next season, with open arms.
and yet, while seattle and i have been lovers for years, i still wake up every morning planning where i'll move... once i finally do move. official update alert: yes, i am applying for several grad programs (none of them in washington!), but i've also finally finished my application for the peace corps (it only took 4 years). i may not be quite granola enough to do the corps, but, it's the perfect opportunity to get in-country experience, which is required for any overseas missionary position with the organizations i want to work with. plus, i'll walk with $6000. fingers crossed that i'll get placed in africa. or, better yet, near lilongwe, malawi, so i can finally see the kids again.
regarding mission work: i've known for years (8? 10?) that i would end up in missionary work. i wanted to wait at least a couple years after malawi to work, get my head on straight and really prepare myself emotionally, spiritually, intellectually for what could be a lifetime of mission work. (at least in one way or another.) i've felt a bit like a phony over the past several months because whenever anyone would ask me if i was still planning to go back to africa i would skate over the question with bland comments and change the subject because going back was the last thing on my mind. 2007 will go down in the books as the hardest year of my life (so far) and also the most faithless. i followed my faith in cycles. it came and went in rapid cycles, hopeful that none would notice its disappearance, even though i acutely threw it out with the trash over and over again.
INCREDIBLY, the handy and hopeful thing about Christ is grace. plain and simple. and the fact that He gives it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. how blessed we are to call Him our Father and ourselves His children. and so, thanks to a whole lot of prayer and grace, i begin fall refreshed & i finally feel like myself again.
ooh... phone.
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