oh me, of little faith...

so much for sleeping. (although. fortunately, skagit finally settled down and stopped trying to lick my face and he's curled up against my leg. love it.)

a couple of weeks ago, we had a "sharing sunday" at church. slightly annoying, but for the past 2 years, i haven't been able to keep my mouth shut and not say something. i shared psalm 30, which, for me, is about restoration of spirit--of learning of mercy and grace and love, over and over again, after suffering. i found it at the very end of 2007, which is fortunate, because i don't think i would have appreciated it had it come to me earlier in the year. (although finding it sooner would have been difficult, as i spent most of the year a selfish brat that didn't go to church or read the Word.)

psalm 30 is included below, for your reading pleasure.

in my mid-teens, i had this beautiful, simple, pure faith. i was intricately united with the trinity, and was truly aware of faith and what it meant to be faithful and a lover of Christ and the bride of Christ. now, i have no clue where my faith is. or what it stands for. don't get me wrong: it's there, i'm sure of it. and it stands for Christ, but in a way that i can no longer describe or pinpoint. i think stumbled along for too long, took far too many wrong paths, without ever really wanting to be found again (that's the kicker), that it's difficult, internally, to get back to faith. what does it mean to call God "Father"? what does it mean to have a Savior? what does it mean to go beyond words and not only believe it, in the soul, head and heart, but live it?

(side note: my cat has the softest belly. i adore him. when's he not biting, clawing or licking me, that is.)

i want it back. badly. to be free in faith. to believe so fully that, rather than being burdened by temptation, that it's there for the taking, and what you are. that's what i saw so often in malawi: this free joy and faith. watching the kids, having gone through horrific events during infancy and early childhood, singing and dancing and, in the greatest sense of the word--the the most humble and absolutely gorgeous way i've ever experienced it--praising God. they rejoiced. it was perfect. and blessed. those nights, during devotions, with the kids, were the best moments of my crazy little life. i want to go back. and i am so mad at myself for the way i have lived my life the past 3.5 years. i told myself i would be living there after 2 years. and i'm not even close to being ready. damnit.

okay. nightie night. blessings to you all.


Psalm 30
A psalm. A song. For the dedication of the temple. Of David. [a]
1 I will exalt you, O LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.

2 O LORD my God, I called to you for help
and you healed me.

3 O LORD, you brought me up from the grave [b] ;
you spared me from going down into the pit.

4 Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.

5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

6 When I felt secure, I said,
"I will never be shaken."

7 O LORD, when you favored me,
you made my mountain [c] stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.

8 To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:

9 "What gain is there in my destruction, [d]
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

10 Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help."

11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

12 that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever